War With God: Seeking Faith In Tough Times…


How Can a 30-Year Sinner Suddenly Seek Salvation?

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”

—Mother Teresa

DETROIT — There are a lot of things about me that I am passionate about in my life. I am passionate in my commitment to becoming a better man through education. I am passionate about my political beliefs (let’s put it like this, Sarah Palin isn’t exactly someone I want managing my favorite Mickey D’s let alone the whole country). I am passionate about Hip-Hop. I am passionate about my Fraternity (BLUUUU-PHIIIII). I am passionate about the city of Detroit, so much so that I am willing to leave it until it finally starts being passionate about itself. I am passionate about my family and close friends. And I am passionate about being the best writer/journalist possible.

One thing I have never been all “rah-rah” about is my faith :::Immediately sees all the black readers lighting their torches and gathering their pitchforks:::. Seriously, I have never been Big Baby Jesus. That’s not to say I don’t believe in God. I clearly do. I consistently wear my cross around my neck. I have a large cross tattooed on my left arm with the verse Jeremiah 29:11 inscribed on the inside of it. That verse has driven me through many a tough situation. I understand God is real. That’s not up for debate. However, I tend to be too much of an independent thinker when it comes to anything dealing with religion. A lot of this I get from my mother.

While I am a Christian, I don’t feel it’s especially necessary (or very Christ-like) to blather on about being “Saved”. If you are, Congratulations! Your cookie is in the mail. However, badgering, belittling, or demeaning those who aren’t “Saved” is counter-productive and kinda makes you look like an a-hole. I have a significantly large issue with people who try to use their faith to bludgeon others and impose their beliefs on others. Needless to say, your religious beliefs have no business dictating public policy (That applies to Abortion, Gay Marriage, Prayer in Schools, etc.). Faith is used to play to so many people’s insecurities that Religion has become a dirty word in this society.

This leads to my conundrum. I have seen wonderful things happen in my life. I watched my mother comeback from Cancer. My dad was a police officer in Detroit for over 30 years, and nothing bad happened to him. I have seen friends survive incredible accidents. Hell, I lived through a brutal car crash six years ago. Once again, I know God is real. Then again, I have never been a big fan going to church. Not the building itself, but “Church”. All the judgmental arrogance and hypocrisy that goes on in “Church” has been a massive turnoff. I can talk to my best friend on a Wednesday afternoon and she can tell me I’m going to hell. I don’t need to hear it said to me by some sweaty dude in a robe and an Armani suit early on a Sunday morning.

I will happily come for the message, but you can keep the sideshow. I’m not gonna sit here and front, as someone who has watched Professional Wrestling since 1986, I know bad acting when I see it. All the “Yes, Lawds”, the “Tounges”, treating the “Tithe” like a cover charge (with certain “churches” demanding W-2 forms and having ATM machines), and this falling all out on the floor when you “Get The Spirit” nonsense is just ridiculous. I’m half -expecting the pastor to crack a deacon with a steel chair in the name of Jesus. Again, spare me the friggin’ sideshow. Plus, when you look at the current state of affairs in this country, it is not difficult to question one’s faith.

Looking at my own situation, I am 29-years-old. I turn 30 in six weeks on September 5. I am currently a Graduate Student. Cool Beans. But you would think as good of a writer as I’m constantly told that I am, that I would’ve long since stumbled into a gig at some reputable publication…but no. I work at a Sandwich shop that will go unnamed (not because I want to protect their identity, but because those MFers aren’t paying me enough for the plug). My job is generally two-fold. My primary reason for being there is to work as a marketing and promotions representative, meaning I get to hand out menus and free samples of sandwiches to offices full of people. The second half of the job, which tends to come into play when I get done with my promo runs, is that I have to jump into the fire as a delivery driver whenever we are short, which is quite often.

My paychecks would make me laugh if I wasn’t the one getting them. There have been points where I could make more collecting unemployment than I would on three paychecks! Having to wear that uniform doesn’t do me any favors. The looks that you get when you are delivering someone’s food usually range from pity to disdain. Never mind, that I likely am much more educated than they are. I freely admit that my pride gets the best of me. I don’t need some a-hole with an Associate’s Degree looking down at me for what I do (BTW, having an Associate’s Degree does NOT make you a college graduate. That’s like getting a certificate proving you passed the 10th grade. Get your paper up and go get a B.A. or B.S. like a REAL graduate).

I am often told to “Be thankful that (I) have a job” and that “God has a plan for you, just be patient and have faith.” This is usually said to me by someone who has a job that pays them real money, benefits, vacation time, and allows them to pay their bills w/out too many issues. When they say this crap to me, none of them would trade places with me for two weeks. So I simply say STFU unless you would give up your situation for mine.  I openly question what God’s plan is for me. I have spent 10 years basically paying for the decision to switch majors at Michigan State. I want to know why I should continue to believe that this isn’t what was meant for me. I go through a constant internal battle with myself everyday. I feel that I am wasting my time at the job I have, but what can I do. I struggle to keep my life afloat, deal with anxiety attacks (just had one at work today), and I just want to run away from it all. The fact that I have the wherewithal to write nearly everyday amazes me.

I thank God for the strength for getting through a lot of these days and allowing me to carry the weight of bills, Grad School, a shitty low level job, and this outlet to write, vent, and tell stories. However, with that being said, if I’m gonna lean on the Lord to guide me through this time, I wouldn’t hurt to have the occasional sign that all this hard work and struggle is paying off. I may not be “Blessed and Highly Favored” (W/everTF That Means), but I do believe he has a purpose for me. I just wanna know what that purpose is.

Thank You For Your Time. Take Care, God Bless, Always Dare To Be Different, and G.O.M.A.B.!

Until Next Time…Keep The Faith. Σ

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2 Comments on “War With God: Seeking Faith In Tough Times…

  1. I semi-regularly write open ended letters to God and this reminds me of that; well written. I found it most intriguing that you used the words “stumble upon” when speaking of finding a writing job. None of my current jobs (yes, I have about 6 any given month… Im part Jamaican, I’ll beat you to the joke) were “stumbled upon”. Shit, most weren’t even given to me without me pestering and following up repeatedly. As your friend, Im always here to listen to you vent and will do my best to be a good ear… but don’t forget to make sure you are putting in your fair share of effort. (Not saying you aren’t, just saying it’s necessary to get ahead in ANY industry.)

    Keep your head up. 🙂

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